Friday, February 1, 2008

In a good mood...

My Etsy store did well in January. In fact, I was overwhelmed by the growth of my business.Two days ago, I wrote on my personal journal--

...the success of my website terrifies me.I should be happy, but I'm terrified at the same time.I'm again behind on purchasing supplies,and customers are just buying away...I've been overwhelmed by all the new information I need to absorb in a short time...

When I started my Etsy store, I only expected to get some extra income,since my day job was somewhat unstable and does not pay enough for the level of the work involved. However, after 7 months, I finally feel confident enough,and plan to grow my etsy store to a full time business by this June. As usual, my excitement is accompanied by fear and doubts, just as what I experienced when I first appeared onstage as a solo pianist at the music school, or as that when I sold my English Garden convertible bracelet last September.Many questions pops into my head--

"Is this really happening?Do I really deserve success?"
"Am I really talented?"
"Am I capable of doing this?"
"Are people really appreciating my work as how I have hoped they would or are they just trying to be nice to me?"(-- well, since I'm known to be a cutie pie,people are nice to me wherever I go, and this somehow makes me doubt my ability sometimes)
"Am I still true to myself or am I just trying to please my audience?"
"Will I continue to succeed?Will this suddenly end?"

I remember my piano teacher in England teaching me to "pretend" at the backstage after the recital --
"Don't look like you're guilty about your own performance.Be proud and just say 'thank you' when people tell you that they enjoyed the recital."
It took me years to learn that confidence and grace, and I'm still learning. The problem is, as a perfessional musician, I know that most of us are nervous when we perform, and I don't see why we should hide it from our audience, who are also human beings and experience the same emotions we do sometimes.

As artists, exposing our art works can make us feel like exposing ourselves--our aesthetics, personality,emotions, and even our spiritual beliefs. The more we put ourselves in our works, the more vulnerable we feel.
And I suppose I'm one of those artists who tend to feel extremely vulnerable when presenting our Art. I "see" these vulnerable feelings,but have learned not to let them stop me from doing my job.

When Debbie, the customer who bought English Garden, told me that she loved the bracelets as soon as she received it, I was all relieved. She has since come back a few times after that to buy more jewelry from me.

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